We laugh from time to time
We cry from time to time
Under the stars
Who do not break their silence
By: Shahab Mogharabin
Collection: "Someone Knocked At The Door"
Translated by: "Leilaye Leili"
We cry from time to time
Under the stars
Who do not break their silence
By: Shahab Mogharabin
Collection: "Someone Knocked At The Door"
Translated by: "Leilaye Leili"
***
هر از گاهي مي خنديم
گاهي هم گريه مي كنيم
زيرِ ستارگاني
كه به ما هيچ نميگويند
شهاب مقربین
از مجموعه ي «کسی به در کوبید»
6 comments:
How about "which do not break their silence" ?
not bad
I took them as beings I guess
LL
It is not a personal choice Leila. It's incorrect grammatically. Stars are objects. The correct word here would be "which" or "that" but then there is a very convincing logic here to choose "that". It also sounds much better than "which".
See below:
http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/which-versus-that.aspx
I have been reading all of your translations. One thing is very important in translation and that is not to get personal and not to depend on one's taste or personal take of the original text. Besides, in every language each word has its own functionality; just because two words are synonymous doesn't mean that you have a choice, one word always fits better than the other depending on the context and the text.
Another thing I noticed was the translation of the book title. People knock "on" the door not "at" the door.
This poem in Farsi also could have been more powerful if Mr. Mogharabbian had chosen the right word here (KHAMOOSH). He has had the concept developed in his head (you can sense it by reading it as a wholesome). Had I written this poem I'd write it this way:
گاهي مي خنديم
گاهي هم گريه مي كنيم
زيرِ ستارگاني
كه خاموش اند
Mohsen
PS: I guess this explains why I don't leave comments on your translations. I am too picky and fussy with words
dear Mohsen
we had a similar discussions before ..
This is potry ...
when I tell you: I took starts as people ...
as in this poem, one could conider one taking stars as people ... crying and laughing with them, or where thet are
I actually showed my translations to an English co-worker of mine and he told me that I had stayed too much "inside" Grammar , and in poetry, he said, u could be far more free with words
That is why, I , in my personal choice, translate things as I feel them, however in case of mr. Mogharabin, he always reviews them, and I always go with his own choice, as he is the poet
I sould say after I read this comment, I decided to go with "which" in the final version... though, still I think who, gives the sense I got that by stars, the poet is could be talking about people in his life
***
About "knock at the door" ..I disgaree .. and however I could bring you, books and songs and sentences with "at the door"
just look at this:
http://www.amazon.ca/Knock-Door-2012-Wall-Calendar/dp/1602374848
or this:
http://www.duirwaigh.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=860&Itemid=113
finally from dictionry:
knock [nɒk]
vb
1. (tr) to give a blow or push to; strike
2. (intr) to rap sharply with the knuckles, a hard object, etc., esp to capture attention to knock at the door
do you wnat more?
I am surprised you say that
***
In case of using "khmoosh" vers. "bA mA sokhan nemigooyand" ... I am not sure if I agree with you ... for me, those stars may not be silence, yet they are not speaking to "ME" ... and khamoosh does not give the same sense ... it is beautiful ,,,though it is deifferennt
***
I always welcome your comment
keep them coming
I do a few versions (belive me sometimes 6-7 versions) of the same poem, and there is lways one which is absolute word by word, one which is what I personally like to hear , and then something in between
for this one I had:
ANOTHER VERSION
Occasionally we laugh
Occasionally we cry
Under the stars
Who do not speak to us
ANOTHER VERSION
Sometimes we laugh
Sometimes we cry
Under the stars
Who have nothing to tell us
***
The Ironly is that in all of them, I did not use which (I never use that!) ... I amd going to change one to which for sure and Mr Mogharabin will decide
Tnx again
About knock on or knock at, however I had serached this for some time when I did translate this title, and chose it based on so many examples, yet again I searched to see what the differences are
The way i read the examples They use: knocking on the door before entring ...or knowck on the door for "something" ...
But when the sentence is talking about someone outside, standing and knocking they use :someone is knocking at the door"
***
look at this exapmle: "Someone knocked on my door at 6 am who can it be?"
or this: "In the terrible midnight of war men have knocked on the door of the church to ask for the bread of peace"
and this: "There is someone knocking at my door."
And: "someone knocked at my door"
or "The knock at the door that turned my parents into brainwashed fanatics - and nearly cost my life"
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